SANDPAPER YOUR BUM - THE IZAL WAY...

I remember (back when I was a lad) raising my hand in class one day to ask permission to go to the toilet.  The teacher must have enquired whether I would be 'standing' or 'sitting' because I recall her opening a cupboard and taking out a roll of loo paper, from which she tore off one sheet and handed it to me.  I was only five years old at the time, but no way in hell was one sheet of bog roll going to be up to the job required of it - especially as it was IZAL toilet paper, which was rough on one side and smooth on the other.

Using the rough side was like scraping your bum with a cheese-grater, and using the smooth side only smeared any remnants of your 'deposits' all over your nether-cheeks.  (Either way, the jaggy edge  it acquired when it became scrunched on 'application' almost tore your @rse apart.) I'm sure this teacher would've used more than one sheet to wipe her own posterior, so what she was thinking of in doling it out only in single figures is a mystery worthy of Sherlock Holmes himself.

Izal medicated toilet paper had other uses of course.  It came in handy for playing the comb'n'paper (shame on you if you don't know what I'm talking about), and also as tracing paper for those less artistically inclined than myself.  A couple of years and another primary school later, I recall one lad coming in one morning with a tracing of RUMPELSTILTSKIN from his school reading book and trying to pass it off as an original drawing.  The game was up when the sheet of Izal was placed over the page in the book, revealing him as the bare-faced liar that he was.  (And became renowned for in subsequent years.)  "My sister drew it!", he lamely proclaimed - much to the ridicule of the rest of the class.

Looking at the picture at the start of this post, I can even remember what the paper smelled like - before use, I mean.  It had a slight whiff of disinfectant that was not altogether unpleasant, and the memory of it whisks me right back to my childhood.  It was even commonly used in homes, not just schools and hospitals.  Having said that, however, thank goodness for the advent of the ANDREX puppy and the soft, cushioned toilet rolls with which it so playfully romped.  Life is full of enough trials and tribulations without the performance of one's necessary toilet ablutions being yet one more of them, I'm sure you'll agree.

   

And, in case you want to relive a moment from your youth, Izal medicated toilet roll and tissues are still available online from various suppliers.  Go on, treat your botty to a good ol' fashioned scrape at the earliest opportunity.  (In a non-pervy way of course.)